I am going to expose myself here. It has been that kind of morning. That in order to move past my current state of mental infarction, it will have to be done by the outflow of words.

Words. Those tiny unmeasurable forces that swirl around the brain in perpetual motion. Chaotic motion. Cerebral motion. And every so often, those words fall from my lips. They move my fingers across a keyboard. And ultimately, they can help clear the mind and the emotions.

This morning, as I was returning from dropping my son off from school, I was attacked by a wave a tiredness. Although I slept well, my rising time was 5:30 am. That is a good and quiet time to collect oneself. The buses in the distance have not started their rush hour parade. If the delivery guys keep their radios off, then I am made in the shade. A quiet, meditative part of the day, when everyone else in this apartment is asleep.

But then a sequence of clumsiness and ineptitude followed. The garbage can was overflowing, with fruit flies that had formed during the heat, swirling around. We juice a lot and there is plenty of organic matter in our trash to give rise to the swarm. I took the stinky heap out into the hall and brilliantly placed the sweltering load right on top of my son’s sneakers. That made him very happy later when he went to put on his shoes and found them under the garbage. I stank up his shoes. I ruined his fashion plans for the day.

While juicing this morning I kept dropping pieces of watermelon on the floor. I reprimanded myself for being a klutz. “What is wrong with you?” I asked myself. It seemed I was constantly mopping up the mess.

Getting to school was no event. The bus came in exactly 4 minutes after we got to the stop. We arrived at school earlier than usual. There was another “boo-hoo” breakfast out on the table. To explain, most mornings there is either fresh baked scones or pancakes. A “boo-hoo” breakfast is merely bread and butter.

When I got on the train going back to my office, the fatigue over took me and I dozed off. I was fully awake as I watched the doors of the G train close at my stop. No problem. I will just go to Church Avenue and catch a different bus. I like the change of scenery occasionally. As I step out onto Church Ave, all chipper and upbeat, I stepped into a dip in the sidewalk and twisted my ankle. I recovered quickly, but by this time I am feeling that I need to be watchful. Maybe there is a Mars transit hovering over me and I need to be more careful in how I move about. Now every thing and everyone is a threat to my physical well being.

I caught the B103 bus back to my place, but again my state almost had me miss that stop as well.

Coffee. I need coffee.

So now I wrote it. Now I drink the coffee. And I am not moving from this desk until a sense of equilibrium returns. I am looking for balance in my life. Today I acknowledge my lack of it.


2 Comments on “Perplexity”

  1. Mariano Torras says:

    Just finished reading you letter to the Linewaiter’s Gazette.
    Well done!
    I would love to know the reaction of our readership.

  2. bzeines says:

    You may want to read the whole context in my post “Response to a Response which is further down the page.

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